Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
