i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
