At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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