I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Still dying that you shit outside
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
