apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize