I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
no you cant smoke seaweed
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
