when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
