i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
