sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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