Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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