fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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