I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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