well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
