I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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