His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?