Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
