I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
