Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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