I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you would pick up someone in the library
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
