I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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