I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He did a backflip because drugs
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