Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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