Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
