why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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