I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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