I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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