i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
