I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
