i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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