i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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