Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
