why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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