Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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