Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
