I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.