i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket