and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
