I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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