It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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