the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
