dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
