Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize