FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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