I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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