It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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