Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
