it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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