Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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