I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
