Are we in a gay sports bar?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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