I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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