there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
