i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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