so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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