I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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