when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
