Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
