As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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