your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
