Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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