i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
