Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The uberlube is also flammable
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
